Monday, October 10, 2016

Word Vomit...

Have you every had one of those really great moments with someone you love or are in a relationshpi with...where you can be fully yourself and just really enjoy their company. Really enjoy the moment and then next thing you know they are word vomiting all over the place.

Mind you not literal vomit, but words...rambling sometimes nonsense that doesn't even make sense...or on a topic that is completely out of left field...pulling you away from that sublime moment and making you go WTF? How did we get here?

So your brain adjusts and you force the hamster in the wheel to start working, get the gears firing and you are trying to either follow their train of thought, or start asking questions to try to get them to divulge a little deeper. And they stop, pause or just roll over and want to go to sleep.

To me, this is the worst and rudest thing to do. It takes me a long time to finally relax, get my brain a little quiet (it's a whole lot easier when I do yoga) brain like a busy bee jumps from idea to idea, memory to day dream, question to opinion. When I finally get to have that moment of where it shuts off (mostly) and I haven't had to force it or con it into submission (with breathing techniques), I really don't want to talk about anything major.

Basic animal wants come into play: food, sex, water..sleep. perhaps in that order...perhaps not...but it is entirely frustrating and to me rude when my ability to be able to decompress and relax gets all thrown out of wack because my loved one wants to talk about something serious before bed.

Which yes, I have been the culprit so many times of this, but it ends up with late night talks that normally go no where and the feeling of a looming headache and weird day the next morning.

My final thoughts of the night, when you feel word vomit coming on...warn your partner...or try to swallow it down and save it for the day time.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Submission for change

Below you will find a submission to an opportunity I was hoping to possibly have...being a Yoga Ambassador and spend the entire summer on the road. Sharing my story, my practice and connecting with fellow yogis all across the US.

Obviously I didn't get chosen, they had hella people submit and only picked two. And neither choice was me... 

I remember the day I wrote this, it felt really hard to put my story on paper of what or why I wanted to be the person to be chosen. I remember reading and rereading, editing and tearing up....wondering would I really be able to send this in. 

Did it make sense, and was it really how I wanted to portray myself....and I said yes and did.

Looking at this was just the tip of the iceberg of what I really wanted to say..hence why this blog is now going.

So until tomorrow, enjoy the short read....

“Today I choose for it to be a good day”

Some days it’s harder to make that decision, some days it’s easier. Had we met 8 years ago and you said that idea would be vital to my day to day, I would’ve laughed at you. But that was me then, a newly wed  taking a yoga class with my new husband at a local junior college. I was 25, in love, uncertain about my future life as a wife and partner, but hopeful and ready to take the bull by the horns (so to speak).

Fast forward to me now, 33 year old, divorcee’, part Administrative Assistant, part Office Manager at my home yoga studio and Yoga Teacher.  Uncertain about my future and next step on my path, as a woman, as a teacher, as a student, and as an individual…

I’m not going to lie, it’s a scary, not to know what’s next.

I catch myself different times in the day think about the past and go why did I make the choices I did. There are nights where I lay awake and wonder, who will be I in a month, 6 months or even a year from now? If I let my mind run with the idea of the future, I scare myself. I panic. I get mad. I cry.

 It’s all part of the process of learning to let go, but I’m here to let you know.

It’s not easy…it requires just as much dedication and patience as it does to be able to find balance and breathe in Vrksasana (aka tree pose). I have been practicing this pose constantly for 3 years, and teaching it in yoga classes for 2 of those 3.

Same days I feel grounded and rooted in my feet. Everything feels good, I’m strong. I’m steady. I can breathe. I am even able to take my gaze up to the sky, raising my arms in victory, I finally got it. I did it! I’m awesome!

Other days, my foot is constantly slipping. I wibble, I wobble. I can’t breathe. My point of focus becomes smaller and smaller, before disappearing and I fall out. Not once, not twice, but everytime I try. I want to cry, yell, give up and move onto something else. Something easier, something that doesn’t make me feel like a failure.

I’m pretty sure, you have had moment(s) like this too. Moments where it seems better to not try anymore, to say I CAN’T/WON’T DO IT ANYMORE.  I GIVE UP!!!

But I’m here to tell you, you aren’t alone.

We each have our problems/issues/doubts on and off our mat/life.   Some days they are less noticeable. Other days they take up the 4 corners of your mat/mind.

Although I don’t know you or experienced what you have. I want to tell you something…

You are beautiful.
You are strong.
You are perfect just the way you are.
You will find your balance.
You will find your peace.


Sometimes I have no clue what the f**k I'm doing

Have you ever just sat in your car parked at your destination and wondered how in the hell you got there?
Like barely remember the drive, maybe bits and pieces flash of the ride. The traffic or a song that was on the radio is now stuck in your head on repeat.
I would compare that feeling of how did I get here daze to life after being divorced and trying to start over.

I have been officially divorced now 17 months now, that's 1 year and 5 months, well it's just shy of that...on the 30th of this month it will be 17 months. And honestly it's been a shit show...if it was one of those recap of last season moments that they show before a new season starts....the highlights (or low lights really) would be hard to watch.

I have put my head, my heart and my sanity through the ringer and I mean, I am here. I'm writing this right now, but it's a daily struggle to keep positive verses linger and hold on to the past. Even then my past baggage will pop it's ugly head up and I will deal with it as best I can. Forcing a smile on my face at times...or gritting my teeth and plunging into the drama and hope that I can resurface in one piece.

I have decided it's time to blog because I can only blow up my besties cell phone so many times.

My family, love them, but they are over any drama I have (which totally understand) they dealt with it all when I dated, got married and got divorced. You can really only expect your family to be able to handle so much, I have learned that everyone who loves you has a threshold. And totally no judgement, I get it..and I love them for it.

I hope that anyone else that is 30 something, uncertain of what they want to do with their life..or what they want to be when they grow up. That are at a point where they need to restart, knowing that you are not alone will bring you a little comfort.

And for me, it's a way to check in and see what is really going on. Even if it is via social network..not on my own personal network...but still better out than in right?